"Then there are LANDesk Server Manager products, maximizing critical server uptime through proactive and
emergency management tools."
– Intel Advertisement in the 6/22/99 issue of
PC Magazine
It’s a well-documented fact that nerdy types like to
invent words. They don’t like to use the normal
words you might find in Webster’s. No sir. They like to
make up their own words and invent their own definitions.
For example, most people like the idea of
reliable computers. A computer that runs is a lot better
than one that doesn’t. In a pithy, nerdy way, the Intel
ad (above) refers to this benefit as "maximizing
server uptime." Here is a classic example of a
confusing nerd-ism that was invented to replace a perfectly
good word: reliability.
To get an inkling of what the silver-clad Intel
crew are talking about, you need to already know that
in the rarefied world of networking, a computer
that isn’t working is said to be "down." That span of
time when the computer is not running is therefore
"downtime." So, to the folks at Intel, it must be obvious
that the opposite of "downtime" is "uptime." Is it
any wonder that people are intimidated by computer
jargon?
So why do people make up this garbage? Here’s
my theory. Terms like "server uptime" were invented
by dweeby guys who wanted to impress girls at
cocktail parties. Have you ever seen a picture of Bill
Gates from the 70s? It’s no wonder that guy wasn’t
getting any attention until he thought up MS-DOS.
The term stands for Microsoft Disk Operating System,
a truly boring and unimaginative description of
what the software does. Let’s face it: MS-DOS sounds
a whole lot cooler. It’s pretty easy to imagine a
20-year old Bill in his grooviest bellbottoms saying to
a woman, "Guess what…I invented MS-DOS."
So there it is, the next time you feel intimidated
by a new term, remember that its whole reason for
existence was to help some geeky guy get a date.
Remember when . . .
Computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat
Meg was the name of your girlfriend
And gig was your middle finger upright
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2-inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out
Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You’d be in jail for a while
Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode
Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider’s home
And a virus was the flu
I guess I’ll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody’s been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead
– Author Unknown